Welcome To Day 92!
Feb. 28th, 2006 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
radmooseA lot has happened in the past 92 days. Some Good... Some Not. Some days were awesome. Some days were depressing. Unfortunately, you cannot just keep the good ones and throw away the rest. I have been loved, and I have been hurt. I have been hugged and I have been pushed away. Yeah, I feel like total crap right now. From outing myself, to relationships, to family emergencies, to emergencies of friends, to being alone... it has been 92 days consuming everything. (Gee, even the past 269 days have been pretty consuming.)
So what is a moger to do?
Well, first off, although I slept only about 3 hours I need to get a grip... a base.. a platform. I need to be positive about myself. Yeah, right now it totally sucks. But that is right now. If you told me a this time last year what would have happened in the next 12 months, I wouldn't have believed you. So, how do I know that the next 12 doesn't hold even more? I don't. So onward!
For those that were wondering... 92 days ago, I out'd myself to my Wife.
Put it this way, if my life was to end right now, I have an idea on what I expect my afterlife to be, but I can't be sure. Just as I can't be sure what tomorrow...or next month... will bring. So, focusing on the bad stuff doesn't let me be open to the good stuff coming towards me. I miss some of those days from the past. I miss the promise that some of those days held. I made decisions to accept responsibility on a lot of things, even if they really were not something I was responsible for. I just let it pile on me. I took the bullet. I shouldn't have done that. I am not a good martyr.
So, F*** **U! =P
To my friends, I care about you... yes even you, and you and you and YOU! But if I wasn't what you wanted, expected, or desired, you still got the real Moger. Talk to me, when you are ready. I care about all my friends...from the ones that hug me tight to those that push me away. You are my friend...always... but I can't let you take me down.
I have quoted the following a few times....
I need to remember that. I wanted so much right now, as did others. When it didn't happen, things fell apart. Time shouldn't define us, we should define Time. However, time is required to get in sync with others.
I am a Dad. I Love my 3 kids, as they are awesome (and also put up with me!) Also, I Love my Wife (yeah, I am married to a woman! eeek!) because she is my kids mom (and also puts up with me!) But just because I have a wife and kids doesn't mean I am not lonely. Yeah, I am a gay Dad. Yup... and probably one of the only gay guys that you know that has a vasectomy =P .. so all of you guys don't worry, I won't get you pregnant! My relationship with my wife is definately unusual.
I thought I had found a partner. Yet, I was proven wrong. I still love him, but you need both people in the relationship to want to be in it for it to really work. He found that he really needed someone else. I wish him (and his BF) the best! Take care of each other! So, I am now looking for someone. Feels weird. Alone. Of course, the watched pot never boils. So I need to distract myself, think about other stuff and then some guy will come along that wants to be with me. I am classified as a "bear" by many people. The problem is that I am not attracted to "bears" in general, so unless I am specifically looking for another "bear," being a Moger, I am not exactly highly sought after. [Note: If you like a moger, you can tell me... I don't bite... too hard.]
Thank you taking the time to read this long bunch of Drama Babble (Drabble?)
Don't forget... EMO is just ELMO with the 'ell beaten out of him!
OK... enough silly moger 'humor'....
I am going to be the best Moger I can be. I am going to achieve my goals (or something better!) and either you are with me or your are left behind. I have done some amazing stuff in my lifetime, yet my life isn't over yet. I have some goals that are not readily obtainable, but nothing that is impossible... because I am RAD Moose, The Moger!
So what is a moger to do?
Well, first off, although I slept only about 3 hours I need to get a grip... a base.. a platform. I need to be positive about myself. Yeah, right now it totally sucks. But that is right now. If you told me a this time last year what would have happened in the next 12 months, I wouldn't have believed you. So, how do I know that the next 12 doesn't hold even more? I don't. So onward!
For those that were wondering... 92 days ago, I out'd myself to my Wife.
Put it this way, if my life was to end right now, I have an idea on what I expect my afterlife to be, but I can't be sure. Just as I can't be sure what tomorrow...or next month... will bring. So, focusing on the bad stuff doesn't let me be open to the good stuff coming towards me. I miss some of those days from the past. I miss the promise that some of those days held. I made decisions to accept responsibility on a lot of things, even if they really were not something I was responsible for. I just let it pile on me. I took the bullet. I shouldn't have done that. I am not a good martyr.
So, F*** **U! =P
To my friends, I care about you... yes even you, and you and you and YOU! But if I wasn't what you wanted, expected, or desired, you still got the real Moger. Talk to me, when you are ready. I care about all my friends...from the ones that hug me tight to those that push me away. You are my friend...always... but I can't let you take me down.
I have quoted the following a few times....
"Life is a marathon not a sprint.
Immediate gratification equals short term satisfaction."
I need to remember that. I wanted so much right now, as did others. When it didn't happen, things fell apart. Time shouldn't define us, we should define Time. However, time is required to get in sync with others.
I am a Dad. I Love my 3 kids, as they are awesome (and also put up with me!) Also, I Love my Wife (yeah, I am married to a woman! eeek!) because she is my kids mom (and also puts up with me!) But just because I have a wife and kids doesn't mean I am not lonely. Yeah, I am a gay Dad. Yup... and probably one of the only gay guys that you know that has a vasectomy =P .. so all of you guys don't worry, I won't get you pregnant! My relationship with my wife is definately unusual.
I thought I had found a partner. Yet, I was proven wrong. I still love him, but you need both people in the relationship to want to be in it for it to really work. He found that he really needed someone else. I wish him (and his BF) the best! Take care of each other! So, I am now looking for someone. Feels weird. Alone. Of course, the watched pot never boils. So I need to distract myself, think about other stuff and then some guy will come along that wants to be with me. I am classified as a "bear" by many people. The problem is that I am not attracted to "bears" in general, so unless I am specifically looking for another "bear," being a Moger, I am not exactly highly sought after. [Note: If you like a moger, you can tell me... I don't bite... too hard.]
Thank you taking the time to read this long bunch of Drama Babble (Drabble?)
Don't forget... EMO is just ELMO with the 'ell beaten out of him!
OK... enough silly moger 'humor'....
I am going to be the best Moger I can be. I am going to achieve my goals (or something better!) and either you are with me or your are left behind. I have done some amazing stuff in my lifetime, yet my life isn't over yet. I have some goals that are not readily obtainable, but nothing that is impossible... because I am RAD Moose, The Moger!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-02-28 10:29 pm (UTC)We don't know each other for that long, but I care about you, too, and I hope you'll find a fitting partner soon.
Just an idea:
http://www.gaymuscle.org/ (or one of its related sites)
Not that I have a profile on there, so I have no experience, I just like to check it out. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 02:28 am (UTC)=)
Thanks for the note and the URL!
no subject
Date: 2006-02-28 11:22 pm (UTC)U r da moger dem!!!
no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 02:29 am (UTC)*mogerhugs*
huggles and snuggs!
Date: 2006-03-01 01:37 am (UTC)b) i too know the hurt of an empty one sided relationship. ::hugs::
c) i take it this "other" was a "bear"? and not just in the 'furry drama' sense?
d) despite all thats gone on, you still sound too damn cheerful for your own good! ;)
e) I get the impression /vibe that we'd be decent friends in person if/when we ever meet. :) shy but decent. :)
so, don't know what else to say, kinda derailed the train by lookin at the television. (i should know better than to do that neh?)
Re: huggles and snuggs!
Date: 2006-03-01 02:34 am (UTC)A.If you have questions, please feel free to ask.
B. Thanks. Honestly, it just kinda changed into that, it wasn't that bad.
C. Nope. His BF is a "bear" and is one of the reasons I didn't say I didn't like "bears" at all. Yeah, I will probably regret saying this, but he is cute too.
D. I kinda get to the point of where I break and then I go into being extremely happy about stuff.... it is the scary part of a moger =P
E. If you are ever in Northern California, let me know. =D
You can ask me anything. As you know Mogers like asking questions. We also like to answer them. =)
*mogerhugs*
Re: huggles and snuggs!
Date: 2006-03-02 07:33 am (UTC)Re: huggles and snuggs!
Date: 2006-03-03 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 03:54 pm (UTC)So I guess welcome to each other's worlds and I hope to get to know you more through LJ. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 03:17 am (UTC)I read your message (as did my wife,) and understand the situation. It is complex, but she is supportive and we are trying to work it out best for the kids.
Look forward to talking with you more too!
*mogerhugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 02:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 03:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 06:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 07:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 07:30 am (UTC)I must find teh bolt!!! lmao I was s'posed to go but I don have my fake ID yet lol
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Date: 2006-03-03 05:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-03 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-03 05:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-04 09:47 am (UTC)