Only...

I'm becoming less defined, as days go by
Fading away, well you might say I'm losing focus
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I can see right through myself

Less concerned, about fitting into the world
Your world that is, cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(No, it doesn't really matter anymore)
No, it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this sh... really matters anymore

Yes, I am alone, but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell, I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked

Yes it did!

There is no you, there is only me
There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

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Well, the tiniest little dot caught my eye
And it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it's something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone
Picking at that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I'm somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty on the inside

There is no you, there is only me
There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

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Welcome To Day 92!

A lot has happened in the past 92 days. Some Good... Some Not. Some days were awesome. Some days were depressing. Unfortunately, you cannot just keep the good ones and throw away the rest. I have been loved, and I have been hurt. I have been hugged and I have been pushed away. Yeah, I feel like total crap right now. From outing myself, to relationships, to family emergencies, to emergencies of friends, to being alone... it has been 92 days consuming everything. (Gee, even the past 269 days have been pretty consuming.)

So what is a moger to do?

Well, first off, although I slept only about 3 hours I need to get a grip... a base.. a platform. I need to be positive about myself. Yeah, right now it totally sucks. But that is right now. If you told me a this time last year what would have happened in the next 12 months, I wouldn't have believed you. So, how do I know that the next 12 doesn't hold even more? I don't. So onward!

For those that were wondering... 92 days ago, I out'd myself to my Wife.

Put it this way, if my life was to end right now, I have an idea on what I expect my afterlife to be, but I can't be sure. Just as I can't be sure what tomorrow...or next month... will bring. So, focusing on the bad stuff doesn't let me be open to the good stuff coming towards me. I miss some of those days from the past. I miss the promise that some of those days held. I made decisions to accept responsibility on a lot of things, even if they really were not something I was responsible for. I just let it pile on me. I took the bullet. I shouldn't have done that. I am not a good martyr.

So, F*** **U! =P

To my friends, I care about you... yes even you, and you and you and YOU! But if I wasn't what you wanted, expected, or desired, you still got the real Moger. Talk to me, when you are ready. I care about all my friends...from the ones that hug me tight to those that push me away. You are my friend...always... but I can't let you take me down.

I have quoted the following a few times....

"Life is a marathon not a sprint.
Immediate gratification equals short term satisfaction."

I need to remember that. I wanted so much right now, as did others. When it didn't happen, things fell apart. Time shouldn't define us, we should define Time. However, time is required to get in sync with others.

I am a Dad. I Love my 3 kids, as they are awesome (and also put up with me!) Also, I Love my Wife (yeah, I am married to a woman! eeek!) because she is my kids mom (and also puts up with me!) But just because I have a wife and kids doesn't mean I am not lonely. Yeah, I am a gay Dad. Yup... and probably one of the only gay guys that you know that has a vasectomy =P .. so all of you guys don't worry, I won't get you pregnant! My relationship with my wife is definately unusual.

I thought I had found a partner. Yet, I was proven wrong. I still love him, but you need both people in the relationship to want to be in it for it to really work. He found that he really needed someone else. I wish him (and his BF) the best! Take care of each other! So, I am now looking for someone. Feels weird. Alone. Of course, the watched pot never boils. So I need to distract myself, think about other stuff and then some guy will come along that wants to be with me. I am classified as a "bear" by many people. The problem is that I am not attracted to "bears" in general, so unless I am specifically looking for another "bear," being a Moger, I am not exactly highly sought after. [Note: If you like a moger, you can tell me... I don't bite... too hard.]

Thank you taking the time to read this long bunch of Drama Babble (Drabble?)

Don't forget... EMO is just ELMO with the 'ell beaten out of him!

OK... enough silly moger 'humor'....

I am going to be the best Moger I can be. I am going to achieve my goals (or something better!) and either you are with me or your are left behind. I have done some amazing stuff in my lifetime, yet my life isn't over yet. I have some goals that are not readily obtainable, but nothing that is impossible... because I am RAD Moose, The Moger!